Your Reactions May Make More Sense Than You Think
Have you ever wondered why something that seems so small can create such a big reaction?
Maybe your partner looks away while you’re talking and, before you know it, you feel a familiar ache in your chest. Maybe a close friend forgets your birthday, and you’re surprised by how deeply hurt you feel. Or maybe you find yourself having the same argument with your partner again, ending up in the very same place—feeling unseen, unheard, and alone.
These moments are often what people mean when they say they feel “triggered.” A reaction seems to come out of nowhere, feels bigger than the situation, and leaves us wondering,
“Why did that affect me so much?” Or perhaps an even deeper question: “Why am I like this?”
If you’ve ever asked yourself that question, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s one of the most common questions I hear in my office. Most of us assume these reactions mean something is wrong with us. Or we conclude that something must be wrong with the other person.
“I’m too sensitive.”
“I overreacted.”
“I should be over this by now.”
“Why do they keep doing this to me?”
We become experts at criticizing ourselves long before we become curious about ourselves.
From Judgment to Curiosity
What if there were another way to understand these moments? There are three words I find myself saying over and over again to people sitting across from me in therapy.
YOU MAKE SENSE.
If you remember only one thing from this article, let it be this.
You make sense.
Not because everything you’ve done has been helpful. Not because every reaction fits the present moment. Not because pain is the end of the story.
But because every one of us develops remarkably creative ways of adapting to the experiences we’ve lived through.1
When we begin there, understanding becomes possible. When we begin there, shame begins to loosen and curiosity has room to grow. When we begin from curiosity instead of judgment, our reactions begin to look different.
Feeling devastated when your partner turns away may not simply be “being too needy.” Feeling deeply hurt because a friend forgot your birthday may not simply mean you’re “too sensitive.” Returning again and again to the same painful conflict may not mean you’ll always end up feeling alone.
Instead of seeing these reactions as evidence that something is wrong with us, we begin to wonder if they’re pointing toward something important. What if our reactions aren’t random? What if they’re signals? Signals that something inside us is asking for our attention.
Perhaps our strongest reactions are trying to draw our attention toward something that has been waiting a very long time to be seen, understood, and expressed.
I don’t expect you to know exactly what that is yet. For now, I simply want to introduce the possibility that your reactions may be carrying information that deserves your curiosity. They may be inviting you to listen a little more closely.
One of my teachers in PBSP, Gus Kaufman, often summarized Albert Pesso’s (the creator of PBSP) work by saying,
“The seeds of our growth are in our symptoms.”
The first time I heard that sentence, I found it both surprising and hopeful. Like many people, I had learned to think of symptoms as problems to solve—as anxiety to reduce, shame to overcome, or painful reactions to eliminate.
What if our symptoms were more than problems? What if they were invitations? Invitations to slow down…to become curious…to listen. Instead of immediately asking, “How do I get rid of this?” Perhaps we might begin asking, “What is this reaction trying to show me?”
Albert Pesso expressed a similar idea, describing symptoms as containing the energy of what we might become—the seed of the unborn self.2
When I think about “neglected potentials,” I don’t think about talents or abilities that somehow disappeared. I think about the parts of us that developed around important needs that were never fully met.
Perhaps there wasn’t enough protection.
Enough support.
Enough affection.
Enough guidance.
Or simply the experience of feeling deeply seen, understood, and accepted for who we were.
Those needs don’t disappear simply because we grow older. They often continue to quietly shape the way we experience ourselves, others, and the world around us, waiting for the opportunity to finally be recognized, cared for, and met in healthier ways.
Often our reactions reflect remarkably creative adaptations that deserve our curiosity before they deserve our judgment.
It’s understandable that we want difficult reactions to go away. If you’ve ever struggled with anxiety, anger, shame, panic, or overwhelming emotion, you’ve probably wished you could simply turn them off.
But what if trying to silence them too quickly causes us to miss something important? What if the very reactions we most want to push away are the ones asking most desperately for our attention?
It’s a paradox. The very thing we want to push away becomes the doorway to healing.
Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling this?” Perhaps we begin asking,
“What is this reaction trying to show me?”
“What has been waiting for my attention?”
You don’t need to know the answer yet.
You don’t have to understand every reaction before you begin to relate to yourself differently.
For now, it’s enough to remember one thing.
YOU MAKE SENSE.
A Moment to Reflect
- What situations tend to create the strongest emotional reactions for you?
- When those moments happen, what story do you usually tell yourself about who you are?
- What changes inside of you if you begin with the possibility that your reaction isn’t evidence that you’re broken, but evidence that it reflects a remarkably creative adaptation?
- If your reaction could speak, what might it be trying to say?
- Is there a part of you that has been quietly waiting to be noticed?
Looking Ahead
In this article, we’ve explored one simple question: Why do I get triggered?
We haven’t answered every question. We’ve simply begun asking better ones. In the next article we’ll explore another mystery many people experience: Why does my body react before I even have time to think? Because when we begin to understand why our bodies respond the way they do, many of our emotional reactions start to make even more sense.
References
1. Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. North Atlantic Books.
2. Pesso, A. (1984). Introduction to Pesso System/Psychomotor (C. Marchessault, Transcr.). Institute on Movement in Psychotherapy.
https://pbsp.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/introduction-to-pesso-system.pdf